God was my Sovereign God.
It happened on a Wednesday night.
We had a strong youth group; my brother and I were very involved. However, I was quiet, shy, and always on the periphery of the ‘in-crowd,’ not knowing how to fit in. I desperately wanted to be a part of it, but was afraid to speak up, so I participated as much as my courage allowed.
We had an associate pastor who was outgoing and loved by everyone in the church. Married, with three young children, his family was sweet and loving. His wife ran the children’s ministry and was always busy. He was an extrovert and always the life of the party. He was middle-aged but always on the move and sometimes involved in youth activities with our youth pastor. The youth loved when he came to events because he and the youth pastor became the life of the party.
He was an older spiritual leader in our church, and I respected and trusted his call from God.
Our Wednesday evenings were whole church prayer group nights, so the youth attended the service with the adults. The associate pastor was working on the sermon he had coming up the following weekend and decided to study in his office instead of attending the prayer service.
Perfect setup.
They call it grooming, which is defined as building trust and manipulating an innocent person.
The pastor was always nice to me. He usually made a point to speak to me at informal church events before anyone else would. He would also hug me after youth events as we were leaving, and it made me feel special, but later I thought, ‘He’s just a people- person, maybe he just feels sorry for me.’
I guess I was handpicked – the quietest, most shy, scared teen out of the crowd. One who desperately wanted to fit in with the others, one who would never tell a soul if anything inappropriate happened because no one would believe her, and one who would always think that she did something wrong to cause it.
I was that one. I never had a boyfriend or had even been kissed; he had to have known.
But I was the chosen one, the one who is now living with the guilt and shame from an encounter with an adult who preyed on someone who didn’t understand and would never speak up.
I should have run out of the dark office when he called me in—an office I felt honored to enter. I believed he was studying and had something important to share with me, not anyone else. I was the special one he chose to be involved in something important.
Maybe he would ask me to do a special task in the youth group – now was my chance to fit in.
He stood up from his desk and walked to the middle of the room before I could sit in the chair in front of his desk. He closed the door and stood close to me. Without delay, he leaned forward, grabbed both sides of my arms, and kissed me. Kissed me as a man would his wife. I had never been kissed before and didn’t know what to do.
He said nothing, and I turned and walked out.
I should have run out of the office into the sanctuary and told someone, but I didn’t. I left with confused thoughts swirling.
I kept it secret.
The awkwardness of being in church, watching him serve as one of the spiritual leaders of the congregation, was almost too much to bear. He led the adult ministries, preached in church, and prayed over people at the altar. His wife, as the children’s director, continued with the ministry. They stood beside each other in service and strongly advocated for bringing up children in the Lord. He continued to be sociable to everyone in the church as if nothing had happened.
But it did.
That wasn’t the only time. He did it again, and still, I didn’t tell. What was I supposed to do? The spiritual leader – the one I looked up to was the aggressor. But was it aggression? Was it my fault? He acted as if everything was normal. Was it?
The confusion was overwhelming. I had secrets I was too scared to tell because if I did, our lives would change, and it would be my fault. The shy, frightened young girl would start a fire within the church that would damage his ministry, their marriage, their children, and his future.
And it would be my fault – I would be the one to cause it. I would always be seen as “that girl” – I wasn’t strong enough to tell, so I kept the secret.
Not long after both incidents, my father was transferred with the Air Force, and we moved a thousand miles away out of state. The distance should have helped, but it didn’t. The damage was done and remains hidden in a confused, guilt-ridden compartment that I keep locked away in my mind.
Where was God? Why didn’t he give me the strength to speak up? Why would he allow his spiritual delegate of our church to take advantage of a young girl? Did it happen to someone else in the years that followed? The guilt of considering that I could have stopped that from happening if I had just spoken up remains.
God knew then, and God knows now. He understands our battles when we have no idea why they happen. That’s when trust comes in, and God is more than worthy of our trust.
When the memories resurface, I have to remind myself of this verse: “…. leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay.’ Romans 12:19.
I was innocent, but God was watching and remains in control.
If I could go back, things would be different. I would run from the office and expose the offense. But I can’t change the past, and I can’t blame a young victim, so I will encourage others struggling with the same thing:
- Let it go. Do not allow Satan to beat you up with old events. Remember that God saw, and it is His job to bring justice.
- If you were the victim, don’t ask forgiveness for another person’s sin. It is not your fault.
- If it happens now? Speak up. If you need support in doing so, tell a trusted person.
This behavior is wrong. It is assault. No justification for it. You may have been handpicked because they thought you were too weak to stand up for yourself. Prove them wrong.
Looking back, I see that God was still sovereign. He knows the motives, thoughts, and plans of those who follow him and those who do not.
Sometimes, those two worlds collide….but God is still in control.