God was my Ever-present God.

Lying in the hospital room, it hit me – all chances of ever having a baby were gone.

I’ve always been drawn to babies. When all my sisters played with Barbie dolls, I preferred baby dolls. I would pretend to be the mother, feeding them, dressing them up, changing their diapers, bathing them, wrapping them in a blanket, and rocking them to sleep.

As the oldest of four girls, I had opportunities to “mother” my younger siblings. I was destined to be a mom.

As a teenager, I eagerly waited for the moment when my body would change enough to become a woman. I waited for the moment when I became like all the other girls my age, when my “time of the month” would align me with everyone else. I waited year after year, until it finally came at 17 years of age, at the most inopportune time, while off at church camp. And it came with a vengeance. It hit me hard, and I passed out feeling incredibly sick and in pain, but too shy to tell anyone what was happening. I lied and said I must have a stomach virus, and they believed me.

I was conflicted – was this what it felt like, month after month? Did every girl my age suffer like this just to become a woman? I thought it was normal.

This pattern continued year after year. I dreaded the pain and all that came with it. Doctors acted as if it was normal and nothing to be alarmed at, so it became my new normal.

After getting married, I began to want a child. The physical issues continued with me, along with the problems in my marriage, and I believed that having a child of my own would fix all my problems. I was convinced that I would be a fantastic mother.

I chose a theme for the nursery—Noah’s Ark—a room adorned with stuffed animals, murals on the wall, and everything else that goes along with it. I started buying themed items for the baby I hoped for and stored them away for that special time when I would miss my monthly cycle, and it would finally happen.

My marriage and life were still out of control, but this one thing brought me hope.

After two years of trying, I finally went to my doctor, hoping to find some answers and speed up the process. Back then, the medical advice was to ‘relax’ and it would happen.

It didn’t.

After moving to Atlanta, I attempted to compartmentalize everything happening in my marriage. I prayed that God would lead me to the right person who could help me do that one thing I desperately wanted: to conceive.

It didn’t happen. Instead, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Stage four.

The doctor gave me little hope; he found large endometriomas that were growing rapidly and needed to be surgically removed as soon as possible. So, instead of pursuing my dream of having a child, I had major abdominal surgery, not once but twice. To prevent the issues from returning, I also went on a regimen of shots and pills.

All of this happened while living a secret life and having a drunk, abusive husband at home.

The recovery was difficult, and several times, he would show up drunk at the hospital. I felt my life was crumbling. My dream of being a pastor’s wife, pouring my life into serving my church, raising children, and being loved by a man who walked with Christ was almost impossible.

As the months and years passed, I continued trying, taking medication, and monitoring the constant reoccurrence of cysts and endometriomas. I dealt with the excruciating pain and sickness of this secret, seldom diagnosed disease that affects so many women, all while feeling trapped in a marriage that God never intended for me to endure.

Looking back, I often wonder what I was thinking. I knew I should never bring a child into this home, but I wanted a child to fix things and fill the massive gap in my life. Clinging to God but wondering why He wouldn’t answer my prayer was overwhelming. For fifteen years, I hung on.

Then what I didn’t want – finally happened. During a routine doctor visit, he found that my abdomen was so filled with endometriomas that had encased my other organs that a complete hysterectomy was required to stop it. At that moment, I felt that I could no longer cope with life and couldn’t help but wonder, “Why me?”

I don’t know why life happens as it does. Sometimes, I wonder what God is thinking. Deceived, I walked into a marriage that did not turn out as I hoped, but trapped by my own beliefs that God would never forgive me if I gave up and divorced him, I had set myself up for years of mental and spiritual torture. My only hope was to have a child; now that dream was gone.

But God was there. He was my ever-present God.

Looking back, He had a plan even in the darkness. He sent my only niece to be born – a baby who resembled me so closely that people thought she was my child. A niece whom I spent time with, influenced, and grew to love as my child. I could not love a child any more than I do her, and looking back, I see she needed me as much as I needed her. It could not have been planned any better.

God knew the future. He knew that things would not be perfect and understood my need. He never left me alone, but worked in a way I would not have expected.

Is it the way that I would have wanted it to be? No. Is it the way that God would have wanted in a perfect world? Probably not. But he always met my needs. Looking back, I do not know what would have happened if I had had a child with my husband. I don’t want to think about it, and I don’t have to because God did.

He knows. He prepares you today for what you will face tomorrow. He is always present with you.

Hebrews 10:23 was my verse, and it reminds us to hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. He is faithful regardless of what we see or think about our present circumstances. He is there and He is faithful.

If someone is struggling in this area, I would encourage them to:

  • Step back from the storybook view of life, and trust God because what He deems best is truly best. He knows better than we do.
  • Do everything you know to do in the circumstances that you are in, seeking wisdom for every step, but ultimately let God take control.
  • Relax, knowing God knows your emotional needs and the desires of your heart. Align your desires with His, and He will fill your every need. I promise.
  • It sounds like a simple answer, but there are children who need you and have no hope. Allow God to open your eyes and soften your heart to other ways of creating the family that you desire.