Finding Hope in Darkness: Trusting God During Panic Attacks
2:30 AM.
I can’t go back to sleep. It feels as though a fog has entered the room and brought with it anxiety that I can’t shake. I feel alone in the world, and it feels as if a weight has been placed on my chest—heavy and unrelenting. It overpowers my emotions, my thoughts, and my ability to see clearly and think past this second. Everything looks and feels dark, and gloomy, and it makes it hard to breathe.
It’s like a thick, heavy fog has invaded the room and has laid heavy on my heart a hopelessness that is hard to shake.
It’s like drowning and I can’t swim..
I can’t feel the ground beneath my feet, and there is nothing solid I can stand on, so I sink. I keep going down beneath the water’s surface and can’t breathe. There seems to be no bottom – no ending to the fall. I fight it, and my feet flail, looking for something firm and unyielding.
I panic. I need a rock on which to stand.
That’s what living with post-traumatic issues is like. It creeps up on you when your conscious brain is not in control. You seem to have it together during the day – you are in control. But the panic comes when you are asleep and your unconscious mind takes over.
Memories and uncontrolled fear come that don’t make sense.
It’s easier to fight something that we can see. Give me something I can beat on, yell at, tie up, contain, and get rid of. Give me a solid enemy, one that I can see, one that I know when they are coming, and one that cannot get into the secure places of my life. Give me one that stays out once I lock the door, and when I yell, it turns and runs. Something that once it’s gone…it’s gone. And once it clears, it’s over and the world is right again.
But the unseen, that slips into the dead of night to overshadow me, I can’t handle alone. It sneaks in and clouds my thinking, my judgment, my ability to make decisions, and to see clearly. All I want to do is hide.
It is a spiritual attack of the enemy.
Where is God in moments like this? He’s there. Where is God in my panic? He’s there. And where is He in the overpowering darkness that threatens to take my life? He’s there.
What do I do? I take slow, deep breaths to take back control of my body. And I sing. I whisper the words to an old chorus.
“I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice
to worship you, Oh my soul rejoice,
Take joy, my king, in what you hear,
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.”
Over and over I sing and this calms my soul and lets God know I trust His sovereign watch over me. And when that sun rises in the morning, I am reminded that He is there. I was never alone and soon this season will pass and I will get stronger because….
He is still in control and He is still in command, and He is my rock even in the dark.
